I dream of Rain

The lyrics of the Desert rose goes like this,

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand…

Melancholic? Probably yes. Having a dream of gardens in the desert sand makes you so, and starts haunting you when your dreams crash. Resurrection of the dare to dream is killed by the haunting melancholic past. But life still goes on, on hope.

Why am i not at the right place at the right time? I wonder why do things turn out so. Is it me? or is it my luck?

“My luck is screwed!” How many times have two of my pals in college heard me saying this? A hundred thousand times, may be. Why did i say so? Surely i had my reasons, which they couldn’t call unreasonable because it wasn’t!

Is it unreasonable to expect something? I guess not. Blessed is he who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed. But isn’t that almost impossible for mortals? I, more often than not, am either at the wrong place or at the wrong time.

What’s wrong with me i wonder. Why did i land up here i feel, though this is what i wished for sometime back, and worked for it. The feeling is terrible, may the reality has something really bad in store always. May be not, is it just what i think? But how can i think wrongly about the present, which is happening and i see it as something that i didn’t think of!

The future looks bleak, but so it did earlier and then there were good times. Yup, there were good times. So just cherish about it? Or wonder if those were really good times or it just looks relatively so? I guess relative happiness is all we live in and work for. It’s all fine in that case.

Just a state of mind, I will get better. Time, heal me.

Current mood: Depressed

Current music: Do you feel loved – U2

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Fear of Failure

An uncomfortable feeling. Cognizance of a fear does not alleviate it. The consequences of failure may not be much in actual, but the perception and expectation from one’s own conscience of achieving the best makes the inexistent consequence seem unbearable. ‘Expectation’ is the real culprit. Seems like the one who is ignorant about the result of a task would be more remarkable in completing the task, and it happens more often than not for me.

Fear of failure causes trepidation, unwillingness to try, and do anything new. The fear causes you to be a mute spectator, devoid of the beautiful world out there remained to be explored. When you have taken a brave front in doing things, unsettling the usual and try to get a spark, failure at that stage is catastrophic. Fear of failure increases multi fold, and start feeling like a loser. I am a victim of this fear. I overcome at times, and i succumb to it at others. Fortunately, i overcome more often than not.

As the expectation increases, i try and deliver, and i do so better than expected at times. I work under pressure, i work the best may be. There are times when i don’t want to take up things, i don’t understand the reason for it, may be intuition, may be not, an inhibition of sort keeps me from taking it up and i keep procrastinating it. But circumstances are not the same all the time. I do push myself for the task some times, and put a conscious effort towards it. The uneasiness which were for the initial few steps don’t exist anymore as i see things getting underway. I keep working at the task in hand. Another task accomplished, i conquer the fear for now.

Sure, i do give the best shot i can for the things in my hand. But what about the ones that aren’t in my hand? The fear creeps in again. ‘Hope’ is one which could rescue me now. It has a miraculous way of keeping you motivated, happy, and going. Confidence may give you the drive, but it is hope that keeps you trying until you succeed. ‘Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies’. Hope of a better tomorrow, tomorrow never dies.

Life indeed is beautiful, it is as you think.

P.S.: Lobster, and hope for many more! :D :)

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