Archive for the ‘lonely’ Category

Looking for her lovely sight

Wandering in the unforeseen mayhem

I look for a bright light

Waiting in the surrounding darkness

I look for her lovely sight

­ ­

With dreams of catching a twinkling star

I looked straight into the shining sun

Burning my eyes, I turned down

but still wanna look up at the sun

­ ­

Zestful thoughts illuminate insomniac nights

Ending in marked melancholy

I continue to wait in the surrounding darkness

looking for her lovely sight

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I dream of Rain


The lyrics of the Desert rose goes like this,

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand…

Melancholic? Probably yes. Having a dream of gardens in the desert sand makes you so, and starts haunting you when your dreams crash. Resurrection of the dare to dream is killed by the haunting melancholic past. But life still goes on, on hope.

Why am i not at the right place at the right time? I wonder why do things turn out so. Is it me? or is it my luck?

“My luck is screwed!” How many times have two of my pals in college heard me saying this? A hundred thousand times, may be. Why did i say so? Surely i had my reasons, which they couldn’t call unreasonable because it wasn’t!

Is it unreasonable to expect something? I guess not. Blessed is he who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed. But isn’t that almost impossible for mortals? I, more often than not, am either at the wrong place or at the wrong time.

What’s wrong with me i wonder. Why did i land up here i feel, though this is what i wished for sometime back, and worked for it. The feeling is terrible, may the reality has something really bad in store always. May be not, is it just what i think? But how can i think wrongly about the present, which is happening and i see it as something that i didn’t think of!

The future looks bleak, but so it did earlier and then there were good times. Yup, there were good times. So just cherish about it? Or wonder if those were really good times or it just looks relatively so? I guess relative happiness is all we live in and work for. It’s all fine in that case.

Just a state of mind, I will get better. Time, heal me.

Current mood: Depressed

Current music: Do you feel loved – U2

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People and their ways

..differ so much, but still can generalize a few things. Observation, as a mute spectator helps to look at things from a different perspective. I did that on few occasions and have observed a few things about ‘human behavior’.

Three temples in a span of about two hours on Tuesday evenings, almost every week for about three months gave me this unique opportunity. The first and the last temple i visited didn’t have many ‘devotees’. The second one in the order of my visit had quite a lot, with substantial queue for the glimpse of the almighty. Knowing one dude (you’d call him priest) over their helped us avoid those long queues, and the time i saved there would become useful for my observation, sitting out on the stairs, and for realizing that people are so typical.


Flirting comes naturally, subconsciously i guess. Temple is not a forbidden place at all. Conversation usually starts off with talk about Masters in US, and belling the CAT (and rarely about an MBA abroad). This being just starting point of the conversation, they go on to gossip about the people who have left for their MS, and people who are planning to. These are the typical engineering students found in Bangalore. For i sit on the stairs behaving as if i have no interest in what they are up to, they try to be cautious about the single guy around and give a couple of awkward stares, which i promptly ignore with my ears tuned to catch their ‘interesting conversation’. This so reminds me of HNS saying how he would snoop on to students’ conversation after class hours. :)

There would be mid-aged women, presumably daughter-in-laws of some unfortunate lady, who would get all the curse in the world that evening. The talk here doesn’t just conclude there, they go on and on with their woes.

Then there are the newly weds. They appear pretty serious, not wasting their time in anything but their most gorgeous/handsome spouse. The are not of much interest, for obvious reasons.

There are few not-so-newly-weds with a young kid along. They are the most fascinating to watch. For every little thing the kid does, the joy or elation they get is unmatched for anything else in the world. Kid utters something, glee. Oh She can throw something given to her! She can respond! She can smile looking at her mom’s face! Yup, give her a twenty years, she’d be at the very same place flirting with a not-so-cute guy. May be i am being little too mean, but yup that’s how young parents are.

Each one of us are like everyone else, even though we believe we are unique. We don’t realize we are unique like everybody else. So what it takes to realize that? A life time or more. As long as you don’t give a damn, life rocks!



P.S.: One more thing i’d like to add, which i observed elsewhere, some people tend to pick up only those words of a sentence which they could use to their way of thinking. Those are opportunistic losers. Beware of these weasels!

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A stark feeling, especially when there are hundreds of thousands of them, trying to make a point. The point could be good or bad, this again is as you are made to think. They engulf the mind, and gets unbearable at times. Nescafé for the rescue this time. An average man gets about sixty thousand thoughts per day (source: The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari). But at times i seem to get sixty thousand thoughts in about sixty seconds! Calvin‘s quote, ‘My brain is trying to kill me’ is very apt.

My brain is trying to kill me

It’s all still in my mind, whether to let the thought take over or not. One, seeming not so harmful, thought triggers a chain reaction as if a neutron is bombarded to an active chunk of fissile material. At times they get really uncontrollable. This uncomfortable numb feeling eventually causes headache. Thus making the whole thought process unproductive, not that it otherwise would be ‘productive’, at least in not serving the purpose intended by the first thought.

The thought is the basic unit to trigger any action. If one, well controlled, thought gets more focus, it helps in eventually achieving the ‘action’. But more often, this one thought goes uncontrolled and causes a chain reaction, thus blowing up my mind.

This time i somehow gave it a direction, and focused in achieving this ‘action’ of conscious write-up.

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For the sixth year in a row, Indian students have emerged as the largest group of international students in the US. In last couple of years, this has included many of my school and college friends, and also some relatives.

Why do all of you have to go to US? Is India so bad? Yes, i agree you get to have better standard of living over there, but doesn’t the place where you’ve grown up, the streets you’ve walked, learnt cycling with your dad/bro/sis holding your seat, the playgrounds you’ve played hours of cricket in the scorching summer sun, the footpaths you’ve walked on to your school/college make you nostalgic enough to hold you back? Is all that matters to you now is the money you will make? Doesn’t what you actually like to do bother anymore?

Don’t tell me so many of you actually ‘want to’ pursue graduate education for the love of the field, for i know most of you are neither aware of the intricacies of the field (as you were before taking up engineering) nor the on going research in those areas, Other than the job paying in dollars of course, and may be for more dowry you get being a techie in US over the Indian ones (ref.: AP guys). I’m sure many of you would not even want to be engineers given a choice.

Why can’t you be happy with the not-so-high paying ‘software engineer’ job in India? You wouldn’t anyway get to do earth shattering or noble-prize winning work even over there, if you aren’t already doing it over here. I think there is nothing you can do over there that you can’t do over here.


still hot..

is US of A. I was wrong in the thought that it was the preferred and hyped “places to be” of the 80’s and early 90’s. Of late India has enormous growth in economy and is creating enough jobs in the BPO and IT sector. Who the heck wants to go to US!? Yeah, i know there are hundreds of thousands of them. US of A is still damn hot! No more doctors are seen to be migrating to hatch their eggs there, nor are many of the famed IITians. The guys who are thronging to US are the ones who have an engineering degree (i’m careful in not calling them engineers) from a ABCD, XYZ, alpha, beta, gamma, delta Institute of Technology, who either can’t get a “software engineer” job in here or consider themselves worth much more than the kind of work the IT industry offers. They are the ones cramming Barron’s wordlist these days.

Whew, even a guy who struggled to clear the university exams talks about Cornell and places! Only to end up doing a masters in a much lower ranked university, working part time as a dish washer or baby sitter. (which is better than not having a job here you say?!)

This year Indian students comprise about 14.4% of the total international students in the US beating Chinese! There has also been an increase by 9.6% since last year. Read this for more information.

Best chance is that you’d end up at Mountain View with the so called technology company which appears to be the best job an average techie could dream of. Most of you are not working on majors you took in your engineering or in any of those fields you choose your electives with so much zeal. What makes you think that you will be able to get the ‘earth-shattering-job’ a 2-year Masters in US would provide that 4-year bachelors didn’t, reading more or less the same what you crammed to clear your 6th, 7th, and 8th semester exams!? Is Google, Yahoo, TI et al hiring only MS? What i am trying to say is, what you are doing now is not all that bad.

My near-Swades experience, not just in watching the movie, by going out, and seeing the actual things happening around has made it more hard for me to leave this country. It’s not all that bad for you guys, it’s much worse for many people out here. The disparity, the divide between rich and poor, is showing up. You still can have a much better lifestyle than a majority with the not-so-sacrosanct-anymore ‘software engineer’ job.

I’ll miss you guys, that’s why i am writing this blog!

‘If you can’t be happy with what you have, you can’t be happy even with a million dollars.’

UPDATE (4th DEC ’07, 2:32 pm):

we are like this only

Read this.



P.S.: Exceptions would be there for almost everything that i have mentioned above, i have written this on happenings around me in the recent past.

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Spid the spider caught my eye,

below the dark and cloudy sky.

She was weaving a stronger web,

working like a fearless deb.



I tried to capture her on my cam,

failing to focus to my sham.

I wished to have a D-SLR,

capturing her becoming a czar.



A stronger gust of wind i blew,

Spid raced to the center before my view.

Then I went back to my room,

wrote this poem to full bloom.


Yeah, it was an awesome sight, and that’s my first poem ever! :-)

Arachnophobics would disgust at me. But i love, not the spiders, doesn’t mean i hate them, their webs and the way they are built. The silken thread shimmering in the sunshine at dusk was enthralling. Going over and over the skeletal structure or the framework created earlier, Spid made a closely woven cobweb. No insect could escape this finely woven net. I so wanted to capture the work of Spid, but my 1MP 7610 camera was not good enough to get a good picture of the magnificent masterpieces these spiders create. The work was between two telephone wires outside my house (balcony? not sure if i can call that one). What made me look at that? Well, ask me personally. Anyway, there are many such moments i wanted to capture have gone in vain.

I want a DSLR, i so want one. I had almost bought the EOS 400D. My research on buying one in the last few months has put me on hold, not only for the exorbitant cost of the camera and its set of lenses but also for not having live preview. I don’t enjoy the viewfinder. I didn’t like the Olympus E-330. Canon EOS-1D Mark III and Nikon D300 are out of my league at this time.

So, the wait continues. Till there are more DSLRs with live preview, affordable by a humble techie coding standard si-pro algorithms.

Spid, hang around till then…..

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